Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Struggles of Dating

I recently have been spending a lot of time with one of my female best friends. Over the past year we have become very close and I find myself falling more and more in love with her. She has helped me in times of great need and crisis. This has only deepened the love I feel for her. Recently, I was contemplating all the qualities that she possesses that I would be looking for in a partner. She takes great care of her body, is physically gourgous, has an open loving heart, a sharp intellect, and deep connection to Spirit. I know that she is also looking for a partner to build a future with. So far our relationship has been completely platonic. However, our relationship is quite sensual in the fact that she is my massage therapist and we dance together quite often during contact improvisation. So I thought it is possible that she might feel the same way.

So I felt compelled to share this with her and to see if her feelings are mutual. My hope was that she would feel the same way as I and our relationship would become more romantic. My fear was that she would freak out and distance herself from me. So I prefaced the conversation by telling her how much I love and appreciate her and had something very important to share that might freak her out a bit. But I also trust the depth and connection of our relationship.

So I shared my deep love and appreciation for her. And I also shared how she possesses so many of the qualities I'm looking for in a mate. I could tell she was deeply moved by my vulnerability and authenticity. And then she told me that while she loves me just as much she does not feel the same sexual chemistry that I feel.

So while this was a big disappointment, I felt proud that I was able to share myself so openly and honestly. And I also felt that our friendship will only become stronger from this experience. However, the next day I fell into a fairly deep depression. Feeling alone and so badly wanting to be with a partner that loves me in the same way that I love her. I could not stop thinking about her and feeling so depressed and alone. I also know how difficult it is to date and find someone that is willing to not only love me and deal with all of the challenges to go along with my disability.

So I reached out to several close friends and they told me what I already know. Which is I am a great person capable of finding true love and a partner that will accept me exactly as I am with my disability. I also allowed myself to fully express the sadness and depression through tears. I've always found that a good cry changes everything. When I harbor dark emotions within myself that's when depression becomes even worse.

I know what I need to do is take action and be more assertive in asking out women that I'm attracted to. I'm just not very practiced at this. And like with any skill you become better with practice. So my goal is to go on four dates a month. And now that I've made this public I think it will encourage me even more to move towards that which I desire.

The hardest part is feeling stuck. Is just action that is necessary. I know we all go through these periods of feeling stuck and depressed. A good friend of mine once told me that movement creates movement. So today I'm going to go out and find an attractive woman that I don't know and start a conversation and asked her out for coffee or tea and see what happens!

So today I sent a message to a woman I met on FetLife, a social networking site for people with sexual fetishes about meeting up for coffee. And guess what? She accepted! So I have accomplished my goal and am quite excited about the date that I have this coming Monday! So stay posted for the the dating adventures of a Crip looking for love :)


  1. I appreciate your simple, candid story of taking an emotional risk. Beautiful.

  2. This is one of the things that I find so attractive about you--your ability to be vulnerable and to risk rejection for the sake of deeper connection. OK--that was two things.

  3. Hi Rafe!

    I'm sure a comment isn't the ideal way to contact you, but it was all that was available!

    I'm the guest speaker coordinator for San Francisco Sex Information's (SFSI) Sex Educator Training. Part of our training is a panel on sex and disability and we're looking for an additional speaker. I was wondering if you might be interested. Please contact me at, and I'd be happy to give you more details and answer any of your questions.


  4. I hope you'll update us with stories about your dates!

    Have you joined disabled dating sites in particular? They are crawling with devotees who will appreciate you exactly as you are ;)