For me this journey of healing and sexual expression are one and the same. My first awakening of this energy was a few months after my spinal cord injury. I was lying in bed one night in the hospital and couldn't sleep. At that time I had virtually no sensation or movement below my chest. Bored, I began to put my attention on a couple former lovers. It was not really a sexual fantasy but rather feeling the essence of their beauty. Slowly I began to experience an erotic energy that began in my pelvis and slowly grew up my spine with each deep breath. Within a few minutes this erotic energy began to fill my entire body from my head to feet and I experienced what I can only describe as full body orgasms! This seemed to last for an hour with each deep breath the energy flowed up my spine and through my entire body.
After being in a state of pain and discomfort for several months, I now had more pleasurable sensation running through and filling my body in ecstasy. I thought to myself, "how did this happen?" It was not even a conscious willingness, but rather a spontaneous emergence of sensual energy. I knew in that moment that my sexuality was not paralyzed but in a state of rediscovery.
Years before my injury I had studied Tantra and knew the power of breath and sound connected mindful intention. Tantra is an esoteric tradition rooted in India that teaches that we are at union with everything in the universe. Tantra is a Sanskrit (ancient Hindu language) word that means "to weave energy," specifically Yin (female) and Yang (male) energy between two lovers. This energy includes thoughts, feelings, physical and sexual actions. For many people in the West, Tantra has become associate with "spiritual sex" or "sacred sexuality", a belief the sex can help us elevate our experience to a higher state of spiritual consciousness.
Through studying and practicing Tantra, I had experienced prolonged lovemaking, full body orgasms and often an expanded state of consciousness. Since many tantric practices are based on using the breath, sound, and mindful intention to generate and direct sexual energy, I thought this could work even with my damaged spinal cord. Although most of us experience sexual energy in our genitals and a few other erotic regions, the entire body is capable of experiencing sexual energy.
As I have learned in my recovery, the nervous system is completely plastic meaning that it can "re-wire" itself to produce new connections. I have discovered that certain areas of my body where I have normal feeling such as my head, ears, neck, shoulders and chest can experience a great deal of pleasure. In fact, the areas of normal sensation now seen to have even more sensitivity when touched. And when touched in an erotic way these areas can become highly aroused and even orgasmic. All it requires a personal openness and a partner who is willing to explore.
About 18 months after my injury I met an amazing woman at the 5 Rhythms Sweat Your Prayers Dance in Sausalito, CA. I have been practicing this form of moving meditation for many years before my injury. Through this practice I have learned how to open my heart and allow my body/mind/spirit to move through a range of emotions including sadness, anger, grief, happiness and joy. Within this community I began to connect intimately with many people through the dance. The physical and emotional connections I made through this practice has really fed my soul.
One Sunday morning I had an amazing dance with a beautiful woman. When our eyes met I felt like she could see into my soul and I into hers. I felt like she could see the real me beyond my disability or wheelchair. During our dance I felt a deep connection with this woman like we had known each other in another life. When our bodies touched I felt an electric energy move through me. After the dance we talked a bit and exchanged phone numbers. A week later we talked and decided to meet for lunch at my home.
I remember feeling both excited and nervous not sure what to expect from our encounter. When she arrived we had lunch and talked about ourselves and the connection we felt through dance. I shared my experience since my spinal cord injury and the longing I had for sensual contact. She described the same longing and through our conversation I felt a strong attraction to her and slowly our bodies came together in embrace. I felt myself melt into her as we held each other. Tears of sadness and joy seemed to flow together. Then we began to kiss and my senses became flooded with pleasure. As she stroked my head and shoulders the pleasure became more intense almost orgasmic. I couldn't believe how pleasurable kissing and the touching of my head and shoulders could be! A new world began to open for me. The possibility of sexual pleasure was a reality!
As this relationship developed we became more comfortable with each other and began to explore physically and sexually. It was amazing how sensitive my body was to touch and how my body became sexually aroused as she became aroused. Although I have virtually no sensation below my chest, my body still responds to touch. I cannot "feel" my nipples but seemed to become aroused when she touched or kissed them. As she touched my penis it became hard and erect. As I watched her play with my cock, I could still imagine what it felt like and through my imagination I began to feel erotic sexual pleasure. Although the feeling is different than when I was able bodied, I still felt a sense of pleasure and sexual arousal move through my body. With each breath and sigh the feelings are intensified. I have learned how powerful the breath and sound are to the sexual experience. The more we breathe deeply the greater oxygen levels are in the blood and the more we can feel sexual pleasure. Sound also intensifies the experience. By sighing with an "ahhhhhhh" the sound allows the sexual energy to move from our genitals throughout the body.
At one point I also noticed that my right thumb was very sensitive and with erotic touch became very pleasurable! My lover began to stroke it gently and then kiss it softly with her wet lips. I noticed that this caused me to become sexually aroused and greatly turned-on. Then she slowly took it into her mouth and began to suck. It felt like she was sucking my cock! Waves of pleasure came over me. I realized that my thumb was becoming my surrogate Lingam! The more I imagined she was sucking my cock the more pleasure filled my body.
This began to open a whole new possibility of love-making for us. I have always enjoyed oral sex and love to give oral pleasure to my female lovers. I love the taste, texture and fragrance of her Yoni and became turned on observing and feeling my lover become aroused and then pulled over into blissful orgasm. When this happens I feel the orgasmic energy move through my tongue and mouth and flow throughout my entire body. I often have an energetic orgasm where my body vibrates with waves of pleasure and ecstasy as she is peaking into orgasm.
In the same way when I enter my lover's Yoni with my surrogate Lingam (my right thumb) it feels like I am entering with my hard cock. I have great strength in the right arm and can move hard and deep or soft and slow. And the beautiful thing is that I never need to worry about going soft or ejaculating too early! I truly feel like I am in my masculine power when making love in this way. We have made love in bed, in my wheelchair, and even parked in my van while people are walking by unaware that we are in complete ecstasy!
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