Erotic Energy as Catalyst for Healing

I just experienced a new profound level of healing today through what I am calling erotic bodywork. I met an extraordinary woman whom I will call Joy through a mutual friend. We met several weeks ago over lunch where I was describing my research on sex and disability. Joy is a petite woman physically full of playfulness, flirtation and directness. I felt an immediate energetic attraction towards her from across the table. As we conversed I could full a flow of pleasurable energy begin at my genitals and slowly spread throughout my body. Although I have little physical sensation below my chest I can still feel erotic energy quite easily especially when I breathe deeply and release with a sigh. In fact anytime I feel tension in my body I use this simple technique of breath and sigh to release.

Joy is a Sexual Educator, Clinical Sexologist, and holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. She brings a blend of intellectual inquiry mixed with a hands on approach to facilitating sexual healing. I could feel a strong feeling of love and acceptance emanating from her heart. I felt both safe and aroused at the same time. We agreed to meet in a few weeks and see what we could learn using both erotic energy and hands-on bodywork.

I remember feeling slightly nervous like going on a first date when she first arrived at my home. She was wearing a sexy little sundress with no bra and I couldn't help noticing her erect nipples pressing through the fabric. When I greeting her with a hug I could smell the fresh fragrance of her skin and hair. Electric energy tingled throughout my body. I also knew she had taken care of a mutual friend of ours who also is a quadriplegic. Knowing this allowed my body to relax a bit. Joy was very inquisitive about my injury, level of sensation, pain, and mobility in my body. This allowed my soma to relax even more and become at ease in her awesome presence.

We moved into my bedroom and my personal attendant helped me transfer onto the bed. As I was getting situated Joy asked me if I was comfortable with her getting naked. I was delightfully surprised by her directness and grinningly smiled "Yes". She explained that she likes to begin the session with a gentle coconut oil massage and feels most comfortable being nude when her client is also nude. As she quickly undressed I gazed at her beautiful slender body, small perky breasts with very erect nipples, and neatly trimmed pubic hair. Another wave of sexual arousal washed over me.

After helping my attendant remove my clothes and get comfortable on the bed, the door closed and we were alone. She began by holding my feet with her hands and gazed love into my eyes. She then began to walk her hands up my legs towards my pelvis. I could feel the deep pressure of her touch which helped my body relax. Then she applied some coconut oil on her hands and began massaging my legs with long sweeping strokes. She then climbed onto the bed and sat between my legs and began massaging my stomach and chest. I could see the outline of her pussy lips which excited me caused a stirring in my genital region. Slowly my cock began to swell with blood. I closed my eyes not to stare at her beautiful sexy body and try to feel the sensation of massage more fully.

She continued her oil massage on my arms, hands and chest. My hands are a bit tight and fingers curled from my spinal cord injury. As she massaged my hands and straightened my fingers, I felt a pleasurable release. A smile grew across my face as she stroked each of my fingers. As she stroked my thumb a sigh released from my throat. She asked if that felt good. I smiled explaining that I have trained my thumbs to feel erotic energy like a surrogate cock. "Oh..." she said, "we will have to play with that!" as she smiled mischievously.

Next Joy asked if she could sit behind my head to massage my head, neck and shoulders. "Oh yes" I said, "this is where I have the most tactile sensation." As she positioned herself behind me she place my head in her lap. She continued to massage my chest and shoulders which are often tight from propelling myself in my wheelchair. As my chest released I sighed in pleasure. Her deep pressure was quite ecstatic and sensually arousing. As she approached my neck where my spinal injury occurred I felt an automatic tightening happen like my body remembering to protect itself from the trauma. But then I began to relax and slowly move my head in a circular motion allowing her hands to make love to my neck and head. As my head moved in her hands I pressed it into her crotch. Then I could sense the warmth of her pussy against the back of my neck. She began to become aroused as I moved my head and I could feel her orgasm build and build and then release into my crown chakra. My head began to be receive orgasmic energy and then waves of pleasure moved down my spine. As the energy moved through me, my spine arched and I began to energetically orgasm which triggered her to climax again and again. After several rounds of blissful energy, my body slowed and relaxed surrendering into a quiet stillness.

"Wow, that was incredible!" I exclaimed. I felt so relaxed and energized. Tingling energy permeated all over my body including my pelvis and legs. I felt truly embodied. The numbness in my lower body seemed to disappear and become enlivened with this healing erotic energy. I was satisfied and still wanting more. Joy then helped me move to a seated position and crossed my legs in half lotus so she could sit on my lap facing each other. This position is typically called Yub Yum in the Tantric tradition. We began to breathe together with long deep inhales and exhaling with a deep sigh. Joy began to massage my penis with coconut oil. Erotic energy slowly filled my pelvis and my cock with blood. With each breath and sigh energy moved up my spine. I looked into her eyes with a soft gaze of love and appreciation. I then pulled her breasts against my chest feeling energy come in my heart chakra. I then experienced the energy circulate into my heart down through my body and then out my Lingam and into her Yoni.

Although there was no physical penetration I could feel a steady pleasurable flow of energy circulate between our bodies. With each breath and sigh ecstatic energy began to build. I was instinctively drawn to place my lips onto her chest and breath in energy from her heart. It was like drinking in ecstasy from a sensual fountain of love. Waves of orgasm began to build between us and my body began to undulate with pleasure. After these waves released a calm stillness came over me and she surrendered into my arms. I felt powerfully masculine and openingly receptive.

We both agreed this was a good place to complete our session. I felt full, satisfied, relaxed and extremely grateful. I believe that erotic energy is sacred, healing, and transformative. What I have experienced is truly a gift and desire for others with physical disabilities to experience as well.

My First Lover

In 2004 I experienced a spinal cord injury while on spiritual retreat in India that left me paralyzed from the chest down. One of my first thoughts was "I will every walk again?" While this is a primary concern for anyone with a spinal cord injury, the second immediate question I had was "can I still have sex?" Initially, I had virtually no feeling or movement below my chest. Over the next few months, I began to feel more subtle sensation deep in my abdominal, pelvis, and legs. Although I had very little feeling below my chest I realized that could still feel erotic sexual energy when I fantasized about sex. This is when I first began to believe that sexual energy exists regardless of our physical state or disability and can be used to healing trauma both physical and emotional.

For me this journey of healing and sexual expression are one and the same. My first awakening of this energy was a few months after my spinal cord injury. I was lying in bed one night in the hospital and couldn't sleep. At that time I had virtually no sensation or movement below my chest. Bored, I began to put my attention on a couple former lovers. It was not really a sexual fantasy but rather feeling the essence of their beauty. Slowly I began to experience an erotic energy that began in my pelvis and slowly grew up my spine with each deep breath. Within a few minutes this erotic energy began to fill my entire body from my head to feet and I experienced what I can only describe as full body orgasms! This seemed to last for an hour with each deep breath the energy flowed up my spine and through my entire body.

After being in a state of pain and discomfort for several months, I now had more pleasurable sensation running through and filling my body in ecstasy. I thought to myself, "how did this happen?" It was not even a conscious willingness, but rather a spontaneous emergence of sensual energy. I knew in that moment that my sexuality was not paralyzed but in a state of rediscovery.

Years before my injury I had studied Tantra and knew the power of breath and sound connected mindful intention. Tantra is an esoteric tradition rooted in India that teaches that we are at union with everything in the universe. Tantra is a Sanskrit (ancient Hindu language) word that means "to weave energy," specifically Yin (female) and Yang (male) energy between two lovers. This energy includes thoughts, feelings, physical and sexual actions. For many people in the West, Tantra has become associate with "spiritual sex" or "sacred sexuality", a belief the sex can help us elevate our experience to a higher state of spiritual consciousness.

Through studying and practicing Tantra, I had experienced prolonged lovemaking, full body orgasms and often an expanded state of consciousness. Since many tantric practices are based on using the breath, sound, and mindful intention to generate and direct sexual energy, I thought this could work even with my damaged spinal cord. Although most of us experience sexual energy in our genitals and a few other erotic regions, the entire body is capable of experiencing sexual energy.

As I have learned in my recovery, the nervous system is completely plastic meaning that it can "re-wire" itself to produce new connections. I have discovered that certain areas of my body where I have normal feeling such as my head, ears, neck, shoulders and chest can experience a great deal of pleasure. In fact, the areas of normal sensation now seen to have even more sensitivity when touched. And when touched in an erotic way these areas can become highly aroused and even orgasmic. All it requires a personal openness and a partner who is willing to explore.

About 18 months after my injury I met an amazing woman at the 5 Rhythms Sweat Your Prayers Dance in Sausalito, CA. I have been practicing this form of moving meditation for many years before my injury. Through this practice I have learned how to open my heart and allow my body/mind/spirit to move through a range of emotions including sadness, anger, grief, happiness and joy. Within this community I began to connect intimately with many people through the dance. The physical and emotional connections I made through this practice has really fed my soul.

One Sunday morning I had an amazing dance with a beautiful woman. When our eyes met I felt like she could see into my soul and I into hers. I felt like she could see the real me beyond my disability or wheelchair. During our dance I felt a deep connection with this woman like we had known each other in another life. When our bodies touched I felt an electric energy move through me. After the dance we talked a bit and exchanged phone numbers. A week later we talked and decided to meet for lunch at my home.

I remember feeling both excited and nervous not sure what to expect from our encounter. When she arrived we had lunch and talked about ourselves and the connection we felt through dance. I shared my experience since my spinal cord injury and the longing I had for sensual contact. She described the same longing and through our conversation I felt a strong attraction to her and slowly our bodies came together in embrace. I felt myself melt into her as we held each other. Tears of sadness and joy seemed to flow together. Then we began to kiss and my senses became flooded with pleasure. As she stroked my head and shoulders the pleasure became more intense almost orgasmic. I couldn't believe how pleasurable kissing and the touching of my head and shoulders could be! A new world began to open for me. The possibility of sexual pleasure was a reality!

As this relationship developed we became more comfortable with each other and began to explore physically and sexually. It was amazing how sensitive my body was to touch and how my body became sexually aroused as she became aroused. Although I have virtually no sensation below my chest, my body still responds to touch. I cannot "feel" my nipples but seemed to become aroused when she touched or kissed them. As she touched my penis it became hard and erect. As I watched her play with my cock, I could still imagine what it felt like and through my imagination I began to feel erotic sexual pleasure. Although the feeling is different than when I was able bodied, I still felt a sense of pleasure and sexual arousal move through my body. With each breath and sigh the feelings are intensified. I have learned how powerful the breath and sound are to the sexual experience. The more we breathe deeply the greater oxygen levels are in the blood and the more we can feel sexual pleasure. Sound also intensifies the experience. By sighing with an "ahhhhhhh" the sound allows the sexual energy to move from our genitals throughout the body.

At one point I also noticed that my right thumb was very sensitive and with erotic touch became very pleasurable! My lover began to stroke it gently and then kiss it softly with her wet lips. I noticed that this caused me to become sexually aroused and greatly turned-on. Then she slowly took it into her mouth and began to suck. It felt like she was sucking my cock! Waves of pleasure came over me. I realized that my thumb was becoming my surrogate Lingam! The more I imagined she was sucking my cock the more pleasure filled my body.

This began to open a whole new possibility of love-making for us. I have always enjoyed oral sex and love to give oral pleasure to my female lovers. I love the taste, texture and fragrance of her Yoni and became turned on observing and feeling my lover become aroused and then pulled over into blissful orgasm. When this happens I feel the orgasmic energy move through my tongue and mouth and flow throughout my entire body. I often have an energetic orgasm where my body vibrates with waves of pleasure and ecstasy as she is peaking into orgasm.

In the same way when I enter my lover's Yoni with my surrogate Lingam (my right thumb) it feels like I am entering with my hard cock. I have great strength in the right arm and can move hard and deep or soft and slow. And the beautiful thing is that I never need to worry about going soft or ejaculating too early! I truly feel like I am in my masculine power when making love in this way. We have made love in bed, in my wheelchair, and even parked in my van while people are walking by unaware that we are in complete ecstasy!

Tantra as a Healing Therapy

My name is Dr. Rafe Eric Biggs and I am a psychologist, somatic educator, filmmaker, and social activist. I am also a quadriplegic from a spinal cord injury that I experienced in 2004 while on spiritual retreat in India that left me paralyzed from the chest down. One of my first thoughts after my injury was "Will I every walk again?" While this is a primary concern for anyone with a spinal cord injury, the second immediate question I had was "Can I still have sex?"

Initially, I had virtually no feeling or movement below my chest. Over the next few months, I began to feel more subtle sensation deep in my abdominal, pelvis, and legs. Although I had very little feeling below my chest I realized that could still feel erotic sexual energy when I fantasized about sex. This is when I first began to believe that sexual energy exists regardless of our physical state or disability and can be used for healing trauma both physical and emotional.

My Sexual Re-Awakening

For me this journey of healing and sexual expression are one and the same. My first awakening of this energy was a few months after my spinal cord injury. I was lying in bed one night in the hospital and couldn't sleep. At that time I had virtually no sensation or movement below my chest. Bored, I began to put my attention on a couple former lovers. It was really a sexual fantasy but rather feeling the essence of their beauty. Slowly I began to experience an erotic energy that began in my pelvis and slowly grew up my spine with each deep breath. Within a few minutes this erotic energy began to fill my entire body from my head to feet and I experienced what I can only describe as full body orgasms! This seemed to last for an hour with each deep breath the energy flowed up my spine and through my entire body.

After being in a state of pain and discomfort for several months, I now had more pleasurable sensation running through and filling my body in ecstasy. I thought to myself, "how did this happen?" It was not even a conscious willingness, but rather a spontaneous emergence of sensual energy. I knew in that moment that my sexuality was not paralyzed but in a state of rediscovery.

Years before my injury I had studied Tantra and knew the power of breath and sound connected with mindful intention. Tantra is an esoteric tradition rooted in India that teaches that we are at union with everything in the universe. For many people in the West, Tantra has become associated with "spiritual sex" or "sacred sexuality"; a belief the sex can help us elevate our experience to a higher state of spiritual consciousness.

Through studying and practicing Tantra, I have experienced prolonged lovemaking, full body orgasms and often an expanded state of consciousness. Since many tantric practices are based on using the breath, sound, and mindful intention to generate and direct sexual energy, I thought this could work even with my damaged spinal cord. Although most of us experience sexual energy in our genitals and a few other erotic regions, the entire body is capable of experiencing sexual energy.

As I have learned since my injury, the nervous system is completely plastic meaning that it can "re-wire" itself to produce new connections. I have discovered that certain areas of my body where I have normal feeling such as my head, ears, shoulders, neck and chest can experience a great deal of pleasure. And when touched in a sensual way these areas can become highly aroused and even orgasmic. All it requires a personal openness and a partner who is willing to explore.

When the Student is Ready the Teacher Appears

I have been exploring Tantra as a healing modality for a month now with my teacher Ariel Anastasia White. We are exploring how Tantra can help me rediscover my sexuality and potentially heal my spinal cord injury. I met Ariel at a local Tantra gather in San Diego in June. She was a guest teacher introducing a new film her and her partner had just completed on Tantra. I immediately felt drawn to her on both a physical as well energetic level. Her beauty seemed to emanate from within. I began talking with her about my injury and my intention to explore Tantra as a path for sexual pleasure as well as a healing modality.

Today we had our fourth session together. We began by getting comfortable on my bed and breathing deeply to relax my body and mind. Ariel gazed deeply into my eyes as she does at the beginning of every session. I felt an energetic wall come between us although I deeply desired to meet her level of intimacy and connection. My body felt tight and uncomfortable. I had discomfort in my hips, pelvis, and back, not an uncommon feeling for most of my waking existence. Emotionally, I felt vulnerable and sad. Tears began to slowly emerge as I released the tension I experienced in my heart.

Opening the Body

Ariel asked me close my eyes and focus my attention on my root chakra located by the base of my spine and breathe deeply allowing it to open. Chakra is a Sanskrit term meaning wheel or circle and refers to a spinning sphere of bioenergetic activity. Chakras are commonly described as energy centers in the spine located at major branchings of the human nervous system, beginning at the base of the spinal column and moving upward to the top of the skull. She held my hand and gently stroked my arm and shoulder. With her physical contact and my breathing my body began to let go. She instructed me to move my attention to my second chakra located just below my belly, the creative sexual center. Again I breathed deeply opening this area. More tears streamed down my face. I felt deep sadness and loss of my sexuality since my spinal cord injury. After several moments I continued to move my attention to my third chakra located by my navel, my power center. I then continued this process to my fourth chakra located by my heart, the feeling center. I could feel the warmth and gentle touch of her hand on my chest. More tears emerged as I felt my chest open and my back arch. It felt so good to open this part of my body. When I opened my eyes, I noticed they had softened and no longer was there any barrier between us. I could feel love flowing from her eyes into my heart. I was safe. We continued this process through the fifth chakra located by my throat, the communication center. This area felt tight and constricted. I inhaled and then sighed on my exhale. My throat began to open and relax. Next we moved to the sixth chakra located between my eyebrows. This chakra is often referred to as "the third eye", the vision center. Finally, we complete this process at the seventh chakra located at the top of my head, my connection to higher consciousness and the Divine.

Orgasmic Energy

Now my body had relaxed substantially and my mind was present with hers. I had dropped my defenses and settled into an open relaxed state. We then moved to an exercise where Ariel laid behind me on the bed with the head elevated. My back pressed softly against her breasts and I breathed deeply as she followed my same breath. My legs were crossed into a half lotus position, hers gentled wrapped around mine with the soles of her feet together.

We began to inhale together followed with a sigh-like sound as we exhaled. As she began to tone in a song-like manner, I followed her breath with my own feeling a vibration move down my spine opening my body. I then began to feel a pleasurable sensation move through my spine into my loins. As she began to rock her pelvis against my sacrum, I felt a warm erotic sensation enter my spine and move up with each inhale. With each exhale the pleasurable feeling moved down to my pelvis and producing an orgasmic sensation.

My chest opened and my back arched as I felt a strong wave of energy move through my body. This is often referred to as kundalini. This energy lies dormant at the base of the spine until it is activated, as by the practice of tantric yoga, and channeled upward through the chakras producing a state of heightened consciousness and even ecstasy. Ariel then slowed her pelvic movements and breath as we came to stillness resting in each other's arms. I felt relaxed and energized. I opened my eyes and noticed vivid colors and sharpness in my vision. I stretched forward toward my legs as my forehead rested on my crossed ankles. Deep relaxation and pleasure moved through my body. My legs tingled with energy all the way to my feet. I arched back to a seated position and realized that I could sit with my spine tall and no use of my hands to support my balance. I looked into the mirror and saw an amazing sight. I was sitting on my own very tall with my chest open! Just the day before I was trying to sit the same way in therapy and I struggled with back rounded. This was extraordinary!

Yam Yum

Next we moved into a new and delicious position called Yab Yum. I am still seated with my spine tall and legs crossed as Ariel sat on my lap facing me with her legs wrapped around my back. With my eyes closed, we began to breathe again together and exhale with a sigh-like sound. After several breaths I slowly opened my eyes and looked softly into hers. I gazed deeply into her eyes feeling myself open, present, and connected to her somatic self. After several rounds of breathing together she began to rock her hips against mine and I began to feel an erotic sensation move into my pelvis and up my spine. I brought my attention to my forehead and felt a sense of ecstasy move up through my body and out this sixth energy center.

Although we are fully clothed I feel like we are making love as ecstasy continues to flow and circulate through my body and into hers. I now inhale this energy into my third eye down through my spine and exhale it out my pelvis into her hips. I continue this breath/sigh pattern and ecstasy builds in my body. I look into her eyes and feel love as tears begin to flow. I feel powerful as a man and lover. I feel so grateful for this experience! Our breathing and movement slow down as our forehead come together in a "tantric kiss." I feel so much pleasure throughout my body and then I notice...no pain!

We come to stillness as we hold each other in our arms. My head is gentling resting against her shoulder and her breast against my chest. I feel so much love and ecstasy. I open my eyes and look into hers and realize how "high" I feel. I share this with her and she laughs! "Tantra can produce amazing altered states with no drugs necessary," she says. I realize how thirsty I am so she dismounts me and gets me a drink of water. It tastes delicious! I hear shamanic drumming music playing in the background. I look out the window and notice how beautiful the world looks. I then tell Ariel that she looks beautiful. Time does not exist. I feel full and satisfied. My heart is open. I feel so connected with everything. I now understand the spiritual aspect of Tantra. I feel like I have communed with the Divine.

We agree to end our session and I decide to sit by myself and meditate and integrate this experience. The song "I am Blessed" by Ben Harper begins to play and it so perfectly captures the moment. Ariel gives me a long sweet hug goodbye as she leaves. My body feels whole and complete. I look over at myself in the mirror and smile as I see a beautiful powerful man looking back at me. This has been a truly extraordinary experience that has the potential for healing and transformation on many levels, physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. This experience has ended but the adventure continues...