tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59861901976638312432024-02-07T18:17:18.817-08:00SexAbilityWelcome to the Centre for Sexuality and Disability. An exploration of the erotic arts as the catalyst for healing and transformation for those with differing abilities.Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-12136385653742148152012-07-18T13:23:00.000-07:002013-03-03T18:54:04.113-08:00Don't look past my disabled body - love it<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 17px;"><span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br />
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When I was younger, I vowed that I would never have a relationship with another disabled person. Certainly until I was about 17, I was kind of “in the closet” about disability. I knew I had one – heck, I got my first motorised wheelchair when I was 2½ – but I did my very best not to acknowledge it. I didn’t hang out with other disabled people (ew!) and I would certainly have never entertained the prospect of a relationship with one.</div>
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In fact, teenage-me thought that if I could snag myself a non-disabled boyfriend, that meant I’d made it. I’d win the battle to just be “a normal person” like everyone else. I’d blend seamlessly into the crowd and wheel off into the sunset with my perfectly-proportioned prince.</div>
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Then, something happened. I read a book about the <strong style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_model_of_disability" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #005f96; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">social model of disability</a></strong> and I began to deconstruct my own ableist prejudices. I realised that a huge part of my reluctance to have a relationship with someone else with a disability stemmed from the fact that I was still viewing disability as my own personal deficiency. Once I realised that may of the issues in my life stem from society and the environment, everything changed. Realising that disabled people are not wrong for the world we live in, but that the world is simply not yet right for us, was enormously liberating.<br />
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So I started hanging out with some other people with disabilities and enjoyed myself immensely. There’s something deeply wonderful about the shared experience of difference in a friendship. And some of these new friends of mine were in relationships; some of them with other disabled people, and some with non-disabled folks. I no longer dismissed the idea of a relationship with another disabled person entirely, but there was still this nagging reluctance.<br />
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It is often assumed that sexuality is a concept that simply doesn’t apply to people with disabilities. I wasn’t asked by a doctor if I was sexually active until I was 27. I always had to volunteer that information. Some doctors even responded with blatant surprise. This isn’t exactly encouraging from some of the most highly educated members of our communities, is it?</div>
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A good friend of mine with mild Cerebral Palsy – very vanilla as disabilities go – was taken out of sex ed classes at school because her parents thought that the less she knew about sex, the better.</div>
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Because of all this discomfort around sexuality and disability, it’s no wonder that having a relationship at all can feel like an act of rebellion.</div>
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In many ways, it seems the path of least resistance is for us to have a relationship with someone else with a disability. Society seems to be more comfortable if we “stick with our own kind”. This attitude used to apply to interracial relationships as well, and some people are still quite uncomfortable with that. I’ve been in the same relationship for six years, but prior to this I got the same relationship advice from a lot of people.</div>
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“There's a guy at my gym in a wheelchair, you guys should go out.”</div>
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“I know this guy with Cerebral Palsy, you guys would be really cute together.”</div>
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“I bet you really like that Peter Dinklage* guy, hey?”</div>
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I really resented the idea that people seemed to want to pair me off with someone else with a disability like we were a cute little matching set.</div>
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Disability is further complicated by media portrayal. People with disabilities are set up by the media and painted as “undesirable”. We fall, sometimes quite drastically, outside the boundaries of what is considered conventionally attractive. We talk about non-disabled people who are attracted to us as either sexually deviant (as in the devotee fetish community), or we talk about them as being able to “look past” disability.</div>
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The notion of “looking past” disability to somehow see “the real person” is one I have come to find deeply offensive. I spent my teenage years thinking that I needed to find someone who could ignore my physical body and see my “attributes” - my intelligence and humour, my mad knitting skillz. I thought that the only logical way for someone to find me attractive would be for them to ignore what I look like. It didn't occur to me until years later that my body is also an attribute.</div>
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I realised that I didn’t want that kind of relationship. I didn’t want someone to ignore my body. I wanted someone who’d look directly at it and love it, wonky bits and all.</div>
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I’ve also come to realise that the wonder and acceptance I found as a 17-year-old when I started hanging out with other people with disabilities – the shared experience of difference – is one of the things that I definitely want in a relationship. In my partner (who is currently leaning over my shoulder saying “you need to make this much saucier for CityKat!”) I have found that. There’s something really wonderful about sharing your life with someone who really “gets it”. For me, that trumps my natural tendency to rebel.</div>
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And really, when you strip away all the superficiality and aesthetics, isn’t that what we all want? Just because society doesn’t expect love and sex to be a priority for people with disabilities, doesn’t mean we aren’t every bit as invested in those things as everyone else.</div>
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Of course there is no right way to have a relationship, whether you have a disability or not. But I’m pretty glad I stopped trying to go against what I felt I <em style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">should</em> aspire too, and just decided to do what I want. And what I want is far more important than what other people expect.</div>
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<em style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">*Yes, I absolutely love The Dink. More than Ryan Gosling. Because he’s smoking hot, and I wouldn’t have to ask him to sit down before I planted one on his lovely stubbly face.</em></div>
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<span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /><br />Read more: <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/blogs/citykat/dont-look-past-my-disabled-body--love-it-20120712-21ycy.html#ixzz210UpKjVq" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #003399; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/blogs/citykat/dont-look-past-my-disabled-body--love-it-20120712-21ycy.html#ixzz210UpKjVq</a></span>Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-25405451557099588702011-11-23T15:35:00.000-08:002011-11-23T15:42:33.289-08:00Ableism, Sexuality, and DisabilityBy Cory Silverberg, <a href="http://www.sexuality.about.com">sexuality.about.com</a> Guide<br /><br />Updated November 22, 2011<br /><br />Abelism refers to the multiple ways that society excludes people with disabilities from full participation in life, and denies people access to basic rights that other people exercise with greater freedom.<br /><br />While it isn't the same thing, ableism shares some things with racism in that it is pervasive, behind the scenes of every interaction and it influences not only how we treat others but also how we think about ourselves and what we believe is possible in the world.<br /><br />Most of the barriers that people with disabilities experience to sexual expression are in some way related to or rooted in ableism. Ableism creates barriers by limiting options in the first place. For example, the ableist assumption that disabled people aren't sexual predetermines who does and doesn't get sex education, who is and isn't represented as sexual in popular culture, and who should and shouldn't be considered when social spaces for sexual expression and exploration are designed and marketed.<br /><br />Here are some examples of how ableism impacts sexuality for people with lived experience of disability.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">How Ableism Impacts Physical Environments</span><br />It is an ableist, and incorrect, assumption that being able to walk or run, being able to lift yourself out of a chair, or otherwise being able to support your own weight, is somehow an essential definition of being human. The truth is that there are hundreds of millions of people on the planet who cannot do these things (and, I'll point out, if you live long enough, you will be one of those people). People are not less human because they move differently than someone who is presumed to be the "normative" person. People are not less sexual and they don't have less to contribute because of the way their bodies move. That most people think they do is an example of ableist thinking about sexuality.<br /><br />But ableism is multi-layered, it's not just about attitudes. So a belief, like the idea that only people who can control where and how their body moves all the time, can produce physical barriers that actually make it harder to get around or harder to participate in sexual expression. A simple example would be the exam tables doctors use to give pelvic exams on. These tables are rarely accessible, and are designed only to accommodate people who can life and support their own bodies with ease. Why were they designed that way? Well, since people who need support with their bodies aren't seen as sexual, they aren't in need of sexual health, and so why would they be part of the design consideration of something like an exam table? They wouldn't. So they are left out and unable to receive something that is considered an important part of sexual health care.<br /><br />The ableist understanding of who is and is not sexual also means that environments and objects designed to be romantic or sexy are designed to accommodate only so-called normal ways of moving, feeling, seeing, and hearing. Why would you make a bar accessible if you understand social bodies to be ones that can walk up stairs, see without very much light, and hear in spaces that are filled with people talking and have terrible acoustics? Why would you design a cool and alluring smart phone for people whose hands and fingers move in sometimes unpredictable ways? Most designers don't, and as a result many are left out.<br /><br />The connection between these kinds of inaccessible ‘romantic’ spaces and romance itself has become so engrained, that we may unknowingly define and design romance in a way that excludes people with disabilities. Whether we know it or not, that is an example of ableism.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">How Ableism Contributes to Legal Sexual Barriers</span><br />You may be surprised to learn that it is actually illegal for some people with disabilities to have partnered sex at all. These laws are manifestations of ableism. Here’s just one example of how this kind of legal ableism plays out for people who are labeled with developmental or intellectual disabilities.<br /><br />Laws around sex with others are usually based on the idea of consent, and consent is based on the capacity to think and decide for yourself. This standard is vague and unscientific and based on the ableist assumption that everyone processes information in the same way and that there is an objective norm that can clearly show who can think for themselves and who can’t. A single law has different effects for those who it decides can and cannot think for themselves. p><br /><br />This has led to a medical and legal system which describes, say a 26 year old woman as having the "mind of a 6 year old" as if her 26 years of life and experience mean nothing. And it is these same systems that determine who is and isn't capable of legally consenting to sex. This means that even if this 26 year old woman can and does consent to sex, the person she has sex with could be arrested charged, and convicted of sexual assault. For this woman, laws based on an ableist understanding of the world can prevent her from ever exploring her sexuality with another person. And for anyone who wants to have sex with someone who is disabled, these same laws can make acting on that desire illegal. Ableist laws criminalize consensual sexual activity. That this impact on the lives of people with disabilities was not considered when such laws were passed doesn’t make it okay. In fact, its another example of ableism.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Internalized Ableism<br /></span>Ableism isn't just a set of beliefs and practices enacted by non-disabled people. After a lifetime of being told you aren't sexual, you aren't a whole person, essentially that you aren't real; it is hard not to internalize these beliefs. This is what is called internalized ableism. And so if you too believe that you aren't sexual, why would you ever ask for sex education? If you think you are unlovable and undesirable, why would you ever demand access to a dating website, or a lesbian club night? Internalized ableism brings people to a place where they don't expect to be treated as a sexual being and never experience themselves as sexual.<br /><br />So not only are my options limited in terms of meeting partners, learning about my own and others sexuality, but through constant messaging about how NOT sexual I am, I can come to understand that sexuality isn't a possibility for me at all. I should be happy being people's friend, and not try to explore sexual relationships, sexual desires, and sexual expression.<br /><br />In this way ableism could be considered the greatest barrier to sexual expression since it can prevent people from exploring their options in the first place.Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-18210716668175650822011-04-21T09:59:00.000-07:002011-04-21T10:19:02.724-07:00Common Myths about Sexuality and DisabilityThere are many common myths about sexuality and disability. Most start with the biggest myth of all, which is that people with disabilities are all the same, and that you can talk about them as one single group. This is completely false. People living with dis-abilities; they don’t all have the same experiences or the same perspectives.<br /><br />However, their individual needs and challenges are not recognized by the normal world. This is particularly true in overcoming obstacles of full sexual expression.<br /><br />Myth: People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not sexual:<br /><br />Fact: All humans are sexual, regardless of how we express our sexuality. People with disabilities are denied sexual rights in part to keep them outside of mainstream society, and probably in part because people with disabilities are treated as if they are children, and children are also excluded from having any sexual rights. People living with disabilities are as sexual and express their sexuality in ways as diverse as everyone else, although we don’t get to see this as much because mainstream culture only shows us one image of sexual expression.<br /><br />Myth: People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not desirable:<br /><br />Fact: What turns us on sexually is unique to each individual. We are raised to think that sex is for the young and beautiful, that if you don't resemble a twenty-three-year-old supermodel, no one will want you or if you can’t produce multiple G-spot orgasms on cue or perform like a stud, you're not worth going to bed with. But none of us meet these standards, and desire is enflamed by an unpredictable mix of things (looks, personality, values, timing, etc). We only see the supermodel scenario so over time we come to believe it, and question whether anyone would ever find us attractive or worth loving.<br /><br />Myth: There is a right way and a wrong way to have sex:<br /><br />Fact: We are raised being told many lies about sex and this is the biggest one. The truth is there are no rules as to what sex is (although I’d like to suggest the fact that it be between consenting adults is a good simple one). Sex doesn’t have to look like, sound like, or smell like anything other than that which is turning the people on who are involved. Some people say sex should be spontaneous, and that can be hard if you have a disability. But the fact is that we all plan for sex more or less.<br /><br />Myth: People with disabilities and chronic conditions can't have "real" sex:<br /><br />Fact:It follows that if there’s a right way to have sex, and you can’t have it, then you can’t have real sex. It’s true that not all of us can run down the beach, roll in the sand with music swelling in the background, and have a sexual romp without ever mussing our hair. It’s also true that not all of us want to do that. Most of us have awkward uncomfortable sex, most of us masturbate much more than we have sex with other people, and most of us don’t talk about it. So we pretend that there’s a “real” kind of sex, and if you don’t look the part, you can’t play the game. This is simply false.<br /><br />Myth: People with disabilities are a bad choice for romantic partners:<br /><br />Fact: Relationships are hard and full of compromise, and a good relationship involves equal compromise and work from the people in it. People who partner with people with disabilities are often told how “noble” they are, as if being non-disabled makes you a great catch, and having a disability makes you nothing but a liability. The fact is that living with a disability doesn’t mean you can contribute less to a relationship. You may do less of the heavy lifting, but how important is that in a relationship? Also, if you live long enough, you will eventually be in a relationship with someone with a disability.<br /><br />Myth: Disabled people have more important things than sex to worry about:<br /><br />Fact:We all value sex differently, and for some people it’s the most important thing in their life. If you live with a disability or chronic illness you will likely have people around you telling you that you've got more important things to deal with that sex is a luxury you can't afford. This is ties in with the myth that people with disabilities are childlike and need to be told how to prioritize their lives. This attitude is held by many non-disabled people, and even some disabled activists claim that talking about interpersonal issues and disability is bad because it “fragments the cause.”<br /><br />Myth: People with disabilities are not sexually adventurous:<br /><br />Fact: Living with a disability does not necessarily impact your sexual tastes or choices (even though it can impact who you get to have sex with). It is assumed that people with disabilities are sexually passive and non-initiators. People don't believe that someone who uses a wheelchair might want to be tied up and spanked, or that a man with no legs gets off dressing up as a ballerina. These are false assumptions, but they fit in with the general myth that all anyone wants is to be just like everyone else, so if you’re different already, surely you must want to be sexually conservative, right? Wrong!<br /><br />Myth: People in institutions shouldn't have sex:<br /><br />Fact: One of the greatest barriers to developing a positive sexuality is a lack of privacy. This is nowhere more evident than in institutions like rehab hospitals, hospices, group homes, and nursing homes. Most institutions systematically deny residents the right to be sexual. No locks on doors, no privacy, the right of staff to treat people as objects to be carted around, talked about and controlled, are just a few of the ways that institutions make it clear that sexuality is not acceptable. Sexual rights are human rights, and people living in institutions have the right to be sexual on their own terms.<br /><br />Myth: Sex is private<br /><br />Fact: If you use attendant services, live in an institution, or aren’t able to monitor your own body responses, privacy is a very different thing. We’re told that sex is a private thing, but one of the most common sexual fantasies is about having sex in a public place. Having privacy can make having sex easier, but if we aren’t able to lock our doors or we have to request private time, we still have the right to be sexual, and to expect those around us to facilitate that by giving us as much privacy as we ask for.<br /><br />Myth: People with disabilities don't get sexually assaulted.<br /><br />Fact: If you aren't seen as sexually desirable in our culture, you won't get sexually assaulted, right? Wrong. People with physical disabilities are far more likely to be victims of sexual assault, statistics suggest between 2 to 10 times more likely. This abuse ranges from pervasive power abuses by medical and rehabilitation staff to rape and other forms of sexual assault, forced confinement, physical abuse, and more. Supports for disclosure of the abuse, legal action, and counseling are scarce for people with disabilities. This is especially true in institutions.<br /><br />Myth: People with disabilities don't need sex education.<br /><br />Fact: We’re all sexual, and we all need education. Sexual ignorance is an enormous obstacle for all of us when trying to figure ourselves out sexually. Our situation is made worse when we are systematically denied access to the little bit of sex education most people get. Some people say that the reason non-disabled people deny people with disabilities access to sex education is because they believe that it will encourage them to want sex, and that will open up a can of worms.<br /><br />Source: Kaufman, M., Silverberg, C., & Odette, F. (2007). The ultimate guide to sex and disability: For all of us who live with disabilities, chronic pain and illness. San Francisco: Cleis Press.Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-10286479652269259682011-01-19T12:32:00.000-08:002011-01-20T19:28:39.128-08:00The Struggles of DatingI recently have been spending a lot of time with one of my female best friends. Over the past year we have become very close and I find myself falling more and more in love with her. She has helped me in times of great need and crisis. This has only deepened the love I feel for her. Recently, I was contemplating all the qualities that she possesses that I would be looking for in a partner. She takes great care of her body, is physically gourgous, has an open loving heart, a sharp intellect, and deep connection to Spirit. I know that she is also looking for a partner to build a future with. So far our relationship has been completely platonic. However, our relationship is quite sensual in the fact that she is my massage therapist and we dance together quite often during contact improvisation. So I thought it is possible that she might feel the same way.<br /><br />So I felt compelled to share this with her and to see if her feelings are mutual. My hope was that she would feel the same way as I and our relationship would become more romantic. My fear was that she would freak out and distance herself from me. So I prefaced the conversation by telling her how much I love and appreciate her and had something very important to share that might freak her out a bit. But I also trust the depth and connection of our relationship. <br /><br />So I shared my deep love and appreciation for her. And I also shared how she possesses so many of the qualities I'm looking for in a mate. I could tell she was deeply moved by my vulnerability and authenticity. And then she told me that while she loves me just as much she does not feel the same sexual chemistry that I feel.<br /><br />So while this was a big disappointment, I felt proud that I was able to share myself so openly and honestly. And I also felt that our friendship will only become stronger from this experience. However, the next day I fell into a fairly deep depression. Feeling alone and so badly wanting to be with a partner that loves me in the same way that I love her. I could not stop thinking about her and feeling so depressed and alone. I also know how difficult it is to date and find someone that is willing to not only love me and deal with all of the challenges to go along with my disability.<br /><br />So I reached out to several close friends and they told me what I already know. Which is I am a great person capable of finding true love and a partner that will accept me exactly as I am with my disability. I also allowed myself to fully express the sadness and depression through tears. I've always found that a good cry changes everything. When I harbor dark emotions within myself that's when depression becomes even worse.<br /> <br />I know what I need to do is take action and be more assertive in asking out women that I'm attracted to. I'm just not very practiced at this. And like with any skill you become better with practice. So my goal is to go on four dates a month. And now that I've made this public I think it will encourage me even more to move towards that which I desire.<br /><br />The hardest part is feeling stuck. Is just action that is necessary. I know we all go through these periods of feeling stuck and depressed. A good friend of mine once told me that movement creates movement. So today I'm going to go out and find an attractive woman that I don't know and start a conversation and asked her out for coffee or tea and see what happens!<br /><br />So today I sent a message to a woman I met on FetLife, a social networking site for people with sexual fetishes about meeting up for coffee. And guess what? She accepted! So I have accomplished my goal and am quite excited about the date that I have this coming Monday! So stay posted for the the dating adventures of a Crip looking for love :)Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-59057288589646777412011-01-10T12:58:00.000-08:002011-01-10T13:03:04.637-08:00a SPECIAL danceby Harmony Gates<br /><a href="http://www.bodyride.net/">http://www.bodyride.net/<br /></a> <br />I was lying on my back<br />in the center of the room<br />the music was slow<br />the lights were low.<br />A ritual preparation<br />tuning in<br />to the room<br />to the music<br />to my body<br /> <br />he rolled up to me slowly<br />deliberately, I thought<br />and peered down at me<br />head cocked to the left<br />mouth slightly open, teeth just showing.<br /> <br />I'd had this happen before<br />another day<br />another dance.<br />he'd rolled up next me,<br />peered in my direction<br />I'd offered to connect,<br />and he'd rolled right on past.<br /> <br />But this time felt different<br />He stopped.<br />I waited.<br />He looked<br />I held his gaze.<br /> <br />My right arm was outstretched<br />Hand open, reaching<br />in slow motion<br />Inviting, offering<br />waiting<br /> <br />Wanting nothing<br />allowing everything<br /> <br />As if called forth--<br />his left arm,<br />pinioned to his chest<br />like an unfurled wing,<br />began to extend.<br /> <br />His hand,claw-like in it's spastic contraction<br />met mine<br /> <br />With incredible power and strength<br />he closed his fingers<br />around my upturned hand<br />and we began to dance.<br /> <br />Pressing back into his resistance<br />meeting him right there<br />with my full self<br />I said "yes" to this invitation<br />this challenge<br />this moment of connection<br /> <br />My world is this dance.<br /> <br />With curiosity and commitment<br />I begin to explore.<br />Informed by what he brings to me<br />I respond. I sense, I listen, I move<br />with him.<br /> <br />Lying on my back,<br />reaching up to meet his hands<br />He bends forward bringing his face and chest<br />toward me.<br />Suddenly I feel limited by this hand to hand contact.<br />I want to meet his body<br />with more of mine.<br /> <br />"Can you come<br />out of the chair?"<br />A whispered yes.<br />Pressing into his hands<br />using his reisitance,<br />I slide around<br />to face him.<br />Place my feet against his chest.<br />I wonder "can I fly him<br />out of the chair?"<br /> <br />But he is glued to it.<br />I finally give up.<br /> <br />Later,<br />when from standing<br />I finally lift him to the floor<br />I discover<br />He's been buckled in.<br /> <br /> <br />I rise to my feet<br />Clasping his hands.<br />As I face him he pulls me in<br />our heads meet.<br />His head pushes toward mine with force<br />like my cat when she wants a strong rub<br />And I return the pressure.<br /> <br />As he brings his chin up<br />our faces press into each other, rubbing<br />His energy is vital, insistent, animal<br /> <br />I can pull away anytime<br />But I love feeling his desire, his wanting, his need.<br />I respect it. I honor it.<br />So I embrace it<br />I want him to have what he wants.<br />I take him in, meet what he gives me<br />take pleasure in the intensity of this encounter.<br /> <br />He speaks.<br />He's asking a question.<br />It's hard to hear. His voice is soft. There is barely sound.<br />I pull my head away from his.<br />Bring my ear close to his mouth.<br /> <br />It's more his energy that I understand than his words.<br />A gentle smack from his lips.<br />I ‘hear’<br />Kiss.<br />He wants a kiss.<br />"I hear you," I say.<br />"What did you hear?" he asks<br />I kiss the air.<br /> <br />I'm thinking, "He should have this too."<br />His longing is intense<br />And why should I deny him this?<br />Why draw a line here?<br /> <br />So I let him kiss.<br />And I kiss back.<br /> <br />I realize that I AM aware<br />and suddenly concerned<br />that our actions are visible<br />to a room full of other dancers.<br /> <br />In conflict.<br />I search for a boundary<br />and find this one:<br />"I don't kiss in my dances"<br />Which is true.<br />Or has been up until now.<br /> <br />It's as much to respect myself<br />as to respect the others<br />who come here<br />to this sacred space<br />to dance.<br /> <br />"I'm sorry," he says,<br />though he still wants it,<br />and continues until pull my face away.<br /> <br />Now we dance the ‘getting out of the chair’ dance.<br />His arms are incredibly powerful<br />He grips around my neck<br />I scoop up his legs and back<br />And squat with him in my arms<br />gently lowering him to the floor.<br /> <br />The chair is forgotten.<br /> <br /> <br />Slowly, experimentally,<br /> we begin to move together on the wood floor.<br />I notice we are surrounded by legs and feet<br />the bodies of dancers moving to the now upbeat tempo<br /> <br />But I am with him.<br /> <br />Can I ask you a question?, he says.<br />"Why did you dance with me?"<br /> <br />I'm a contact dancer<br />I know how to move intelligently with another body<br />I'm an Anat Baniel Method Practioner<br />I know how to facilitate movement refinement<br />I'm trauma recoveree<br />I know how to co-regulate another’s nervous system<br />to help heal attachment wounds.<br /> <br />Why do I dance with others?<br />I dance for healing.<br />The healing I receive<br />and the healing I offer.<br /> <br />“Why did you dance with me?”<br />“Why not?” I answer.<br />"But I'm in a wheelchair,"<br />he says.<br />"So what?" I counter.<br /> <br />And give him my full attention,<br />my full concentration,<br />my full heart,<br />my full body,<br />my full Presence.<br /> <br /> <br />Rolling, stretching, squeezing, pulling, lifting.<br /> <br />One moment:<br />One arm wrapped around his chest<br />holding him close,<br />my other hand comes to the top of his head.<br />Gently and fondly I begin pulling and caressing his curly dark hair.<br />In response,<br />one of his hands finds the top my head<br />and returns the loving gesture.<br />Only later do I realize the significance<br />Of his palsied hands managing that.<br /> <br />"Can I ask you a question? he says.<br />Will you be my friend?"<br /> <br />"Of course!" I say, my heart full of tenderness and love.<br /> <br />And then.<br />I'm ready to experience the freedom<br />and spaciousness<br />of dancing<br />with the rest of the room.<br /> <br />I let him know<br />He understands<br />Amazingly, I'm able<br />to scoop him up<br />off the floor<br />and deposit him<br />into his waiting chair.<br /> <br />A fellow dancer comes close<br />ready to assist<br />But I find I am strong enough.<br /> <br />I'm wanting to dance now,<br />the big Dance Jam way I dance<br />Expressing myself freely<br />while allowing others<br />to influence and inspire me<br />Sometimes dancing with one<br />Sometimes dancing with several<br />Sometimes dancing the whole room.<br /> <br />Sometimes dancing only with me.<br /> <br />There is closure here first though<br />before I can go.<br /> <br />Jason asks me to buckle him in<br /> <br />He reaches out contorted hands<br />I give him mine.<br />He pulls me in close<br />pressing us:<br />forehead to forehead<br />cheek to cheek.<br />He looks me in the eyes<br />"I'm glad I met you." he says.<br />"I'm glad we met too," I say,<br />"I'm really glad we danced."<br /> <br />I draw back,<br />my hands still tightly gripped by his<br />our Eyes lock, I’m smiling.<br />His arms extend smoothly, gradually his grip softens<br />I slowly slide my hands from his,<br />touching fingertips<br />and then only air.<br /> <br />And I'm off to the next dance.Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-28516347587305215632010-11-24T15:43:00.000-08:002010-12-11T11:35:21.421-08:00Non-genital OrgasmsIn my sexual journeys since my injury I have discovered that the body is capable of many types of erotic pleasure. I do not have much feeling below my chest. I can only feel deep pressure and subtle sensations of energy flowing down my legs. I also have a fair amount of tightness in my back and hips do to sitting in my wheelchair. However, right above my nipple line and above I have mostly full sensation. What I've noticed is that in those areas sensation tends to be heightened. When massaged touched with the right person I can feel a great deal of pleasure! Sometimes the sensation just feels good and other times it feels quite erotic.<br /><br />Because my neck was injured at the fifth and sixth cervical vertebrae I have numbness in three fingers and partial sensation in my first finger. However, my thumbs are extra sensitive. What I've discovered is that my right thumb in particular feels really good when massaged or sucked. The more I've experimented with my thumb I noticed that it feels a lot like my penis. Because I have a fair amount of strength in my right arm I can use my right thumb to penetrate my partner orally or vaginally. And the more I experiment with the sensation is stronger the sensation becomes and the more orgastic the pleasure is.<br /><br />Recently I was playing with my friend Claire. We began by her massaging my back, arms, neck and head. This helps my body relax because I hold so much tension in my back and pelvis. I also tend to do some stretching and yoga in the lotus position. This really opens up my hips and it builds energy in my cock which assists in erections.<br /><br />For years I've used Viagra to assist in getting an erection. However, Viagra has side effects such as higher blood pressure and sometimes headaches. Recently I discovered an herbal supplement called Labidux that works just like Viagra without any of the side effects and it's way cheaper! You still need some manual stimulation but the erections will last for a very long time. <br /><br />I also tried a new vibrating cock ring called the Fang Banger. this also helps with my erection and because I can feel vibration it created some pleasurable sensation. I had Claire sit on my lap with my legs crossed so she was facing me. The way the Fang Banger is designed not only produces vibration for me but also stimulates my partner in both her clitoris and perineum. So it doubles the pleasure for both of us!<br /><br />In this Tantric position which is often called Yab-Yum, our chakras are aligned so we are able to use our breath to move erotic energy throughout our bodies. Although I have limited sensation in my genitals, I will imagine sending erotic energy with my breath from my cock to my partner's vagina, i.e. from my second chakra to hers. Then she will breathe that energy up to her heart and then I will breathe it into my heart and then exhaling it down to my genitals. As we continue to breath and visualize this is energetic pattern erotic energy grows and builds throughout our bodies. Sometimes it will build to the point where I will feel a big release of energy that feels very orgastic! Sometimes this occurs in my genitals and other times it's an explosion from my heart. When this happens I often feel tremendous amount of love and affection not only for my partner but for the whole world! <br /><br />In our most recent session Claire has spent a lot of time sucking my thumb and massaging my hand and arm. I have noticed that subtle sensations such as the rubbing of her teeth or swirling of her tongue on my thumb feels very erotic and pleasurable! I have also discovered much pleasure as she massages the area of my hand right below my thumb. This area of my hand holds much tension and also has heightened sensation. She also let me thrust my thumb into her mouth which feels a lot like fucking. <br /><br />As we continue to experiment with her sucking my thumb and massaging my hand I am focusing on breathing this energy from my cock up through my arm and out my thumb. Breathing circulates this erotic energy immensely! In this last session there were many times where I could feel a build up of tension. At that moment I would take a deep breath and hold it as long as I could and then release with a very powerful vocalization o the sound "ahhhhhh!" I could then feel a powerful release of energy and tension in my pelvis that felt much like an intense orgasm. However, there is no ejaculation. This was a very powerful or a non-genital orgasm!<br /><br />After this energetic orgasm I have noticed an intense release of endorphins and relaxation throughout my body. I can also feel a streaming of warmth down my legs and no pain in my pelvis or back. Claire also mention that she had the experience that I energetically "came" in her mouth. The great thing is there is no loss of erection and my thumb is ready for more pleasure!<br /><br />The more I practice this thumbsucking and thrusting the stronger this neural pathway becomes and the easier it is to experience these non-genital orgasms. It is my experience that the entire body is capable of great erotic pleasure. it only requires an open mind, a willingness to experiment, and lots of practice!Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-59652677658339480332009-12-15T19:38:00.000-08:002009-12-15T19:39:09.156-08:00Many Ways To Make Love<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKG3gHl7zLoQt28EASBGtv8Ks-Jb4WQFROsBH8HuG1ZMCiFVhA7GfsHpt7_dgXW0kkvRXKug2gVD030bWogsYtusMNdP-ZSI91JrznNf0fQnDpsPy_P0OR7bTs4FXbtdXKzrwq7v-cBkI/s1600-h/intimacy.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 298px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKG3gHl7zLoQt28EASBGtv8Ks-Jb4WQFROsBH8HuG1ZMCiFVhA7GfsHpt7_dgXW0kkvRXKug2gVD030bWogsYtusMNdP-ZSI91JrznNf0fQnDpsPy_P0OR7bTs4FXbtdXKzrwq7v-cBkI/s320/intimacy.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387782835353786530" /></a><div><br /></div>In the last couple years I have had the opportunity to explore my sexual self with open minded and open hearted partners. Because of my spinal injury I have limited sensation feeling light touch only above my nipple line. Down below my level of injury I can feel deep pressure and often experience chronic muscle tightness in my low back and hip <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">flexors</span></span>. <div><br /></div><div>I have noticed that when I am with a partner who is open to sensual play that certain parts of my body are more sensitive and become <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">orgastic</span></span> when touched or kissed in a sensual way. My head, face, neck, shoulders, and chest all become receptors for pleasure. I find my body begins to relax and open. With these changes in my physiology the chronic pain in my hips and back begins to dissolve and a general feeling of receptivity becomes my new state of being.</div><div><br /></div><div>I slowly begin to feel an erotic energy build in my body. Sometimes it begins in my pelvis right above my pubic bone. Other times it starts as butterflies in my belly. I use my breath to bring this erotic energy up my spine and then release a sigh that sends a relaxing vibration back down through my pelvis helping to further relax and discomfort.</div><div><br /></div><div>One of my favorite <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Tantric</span></span> positions that can be performed either clothed or unclothed is called <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Yab</span></span> Yum. Traditionally the man sits cross legged and the woman sits on his lap facing him with her legs wrapped around. This intimate position allows for both partners to align their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">chakras</span></span> or energy centers with each other. It also allows me to touch, kiss and move in many ways to please my partner. Through <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">synchronized</span> breathing and sighing I can circulate energy from my sexual center to my partner's sex center and then up through her heart center and back into my heart. This exercise stimulates both partners on a physical and energetic level. I have experienced many <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">energetic</span> orgasms and my partner reports feeling a deep energetic penetration and often physical orgasms. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have learned over the past several years since my spinal injury that there are many ways to make love. I have found such pleasure in light touch and kissing all over my body where I have skin sensation. The back of my neck, shoulders, and chest all produce erotic pleasure. By using <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">tantric</span> breathing I have learned to intensify this pleasure and spread it throughout my body.</div><div><br /></div><div>A powerful shamanic meditation I learned from<a href="http://www.sexualshamanseminars.com/"> Kenneth Ray <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Stubbs</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Ph</span>.D. </a>is called "Be One With Everything That Is." Basically you imagine that you are merging your energy with everything that is. Begin with your immediate surroundings and environment and then slowly expand your energy to encompass more and more of everything that is. It is my personal belief and experience that God and Spirit lives in everything that is alive which includes all humans, animals, plants, minerals and the planet. Therefore when you merge your energy with Everything That Is you are filling your entire being with Divine Energy. Try doing this meditation 5-10 minutes everyday and see what you notice. I often feel very energized and full of love.</div><div><br /></div><div>It is my experience that love is an energy not just a feeling. It is a generative act that we can create at will. We do not need to be in a relationship to experience love. We can ask for Divine Love to be the source of our <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">fulfillment</span>. Be One with Divine Love and allow it to fill you completely. And then practice transmitting love to as many people you can. Just making eye contact and sending them pure love can be an extraordinary and beautiful experience. This is the essence of "making love." </div><div><br /></div><div>Try just sitting with a friend or lover, breath deeply from your belly and drop your attention into your sit bones. Gaze softly into their eyes and allow your heart to open. With each breath allow love to pour out of your eyes and then into your heart. You can also shift this practice to feeling energy flow from your genitals into their body and then up through the heart back into your heart.</div><div><br /></div><div>As you can see, there are many ways to "make love." Please let me know the ways you make love and together we can heal and transform this planet.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-6679138180590357762009-11-20T20:04:00.001-08:002009-11-20T20:04:38.665-08:00Erotic Energy as Catalyst for Healing<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhewjLBXNQu-2ne-Cl417XX7uYYaYPgezHq6EE9_meE_SzguvvwzgHGAJXB8W0puVkuC1B8nzypzrKAtpzjXwtkbu_7ACOU-738bGBrUrfZ8s3rU5Ug65X96DpYwucxki8yCGNO364nvjY/s1600-h/T1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 199px; height: 255px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhewjLBXNQu-2ne-Cl417XX7uYYaYPgezHq6EE9_meE_SzguvvwzgHGAJXB8W0puVkuC1B8nzypzrKAtpzjXwtkbu_7ACOU-738bGBrUrfZ8s3rU5Ug65X96DpYwucxki8yCGNO364nvjY/s320/T1.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5320319805083176274" /></a><br />I just experienced a new profound level of healing today through what I am calling erotic bodywork. I met an extraordinary woman whom I will call Joy through a mutual friend. We met several weeks ago over lunch where I was describing my research on sex and disability. Joy is a petite woman physically full of playfulness, flirtation and directness. I felt an immediate energetic attraction towards her from across the table. As we conversed I could full a flow of pleasurable energy begin at my genitals and slowly spread throughout my body. Although I have little physical sensation below my chest I can still feel erotic energy quite easily especially when I breathe deeply and release with a sigh. In fact anytime I feel tension in my body I use this simple technique of breath and sigh to release.<div><br /></div><div>Joy is a Sexual Educator, Clinical Sexologist, and holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from the <a href="http://www.iashs.edu/">Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality</a> in San Francisco. She brings a blend of intellectual inquiry mixed with a hands on approach to facilitating sexual healing. I could feel a strong feeling of love and acceptance <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">emanating</span> from her heart. I felt both safe and aroused at the same time. We agreed to meet in a few weeks and see what we could learn using both erotic energy and hands-on bodywork. </div><div><br /></div><div>I remember feeling slightly nervous like going on a first date when she first arrived at my home. She was wearing a sexy little sundress with no bra and I couldn't help noticing her erect nipples pressing through the fabric. When I greeting her with a hug I could smell the fresh fragrance of her skin and hair. Electric energy tingled throughout my body. I also knew she had taken care of a mutual friend of ours who also is a quadriplegic. Knowing this allowed my body to relax a bit. Joy was very <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">inquisitive</span> about my injury, level of sensation, pain, and mobility in my body. This allowed my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">soma</span> to relax even more and become at ease in her awesome presence. </div><div><br /></div><div>We moved into my bedroom and my personal attendant helped me transfer onto the bed. As I was getting situated Joy asked me if I was comfortable with her getting naked. I was delightfully surprised by her directness and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">grinningly</span></span> smiled "Yes". She explained that she likes to begin the session with a gentle coconut oil massage and feels most comfortable being nude when her client is also nude. As she quickly undressed I gazed at her beautiful slender body, small perky breasts with very erect nipples, and neatly trimmed pubic hair. Another wave of sexual arousal washed over me.</div><div><br /></div><div>After helping my attendant remove my clothes and get comfortable on the bed, the door closed and we were alone. She began by holding my feet with her hands and gazed love into my eyes. She then began to walk her hands up my legs towards my pelvis. I could feel the deep pressure of her touch which helped my body relax. Then she applied some coconut oil on her hands and began massaging my legs with long sweeping strokes. She then climbed onto the bed and sat between my legs and began massaging my stomach and chest. I could see the outline of her pussy lips which excited me caused a stirring in my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">genital</span> region. Slowly my cock began to swell with blood. I closed my eyes not to stare at her beautiful sexy body and try to feel the sensation of massage more fully. </div><div><br /></div><div>She continued her oil massage on my arms, hands and chest. My hands are a bit tight and fingers curled from my spinal cord injury. As she massaged my hands and straightened my fingers, I felt a pleasurable release. A smile grew across my face as she stroked each of my fingers. As she stroked my thumb a sigh released from my throat. She asked if that felt good. I smiled explaining that I have trained my thumbs to feel erotic energy like a surrogate cock. "Oh..." she said, "we will have to play with that!" as she smiled <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">mischievously</span>. </div><div><br /></div><div>Next Joy asked if she could sit behind my head to massage my head, neck and shoulders. "Oh yes" I said, "this is where I have the most tactile sensation." As she positioned herself behind me she place my head in her lap. She continued to massage my chest and shoulders which are often tight from propelling myself in my wheelchair. As my chest released I sighed in pleasure. Her deep pressure was quite <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">ecstatic</span> and sensually arousing. As she approached my neck where my spinal injury occurred I felt an automatic tightening happen like my body remembering to protect itself from the trauma. But then I began to relax and slowly move my head in a circular motion allowing her hands to make love to my neck and head. As my head moved in her hands I pressed it into her crotch. Then I could sense the warmth of her pussy against the back of my neck. She began to become aroused as I moved my head and I could feel her orgasm build and build and then release into my crown <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">chakra</span></span>. My head began to be receive orgasmic energy and then waves of pleasure moved down my spine. As the energy moved through me, my spine arched and I began to energetically orgasm which triggered her to climax again and again. After several rounds of blissful energy, my body slowed and relaxed surrendering into a quiet stillness.</div><div><br /></div><div>"Wow, that was incredible!" I exclaimed. I felt so relaxed and energized. Tingling energy <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">permeated</span> all over my body including my pelvis and legs. I felt truly embodied. The numbness in my lower body seemed to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">disappear</span> and become enlivened with this healing erotic energy. I was satisfied and still wanting more. Joy then helped me move to a seated position and crossed my legs in half lotus so she could sit on my lap facing each other. This position is typically called <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yab-Yum"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Yub</span></span> Yum </a>in the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Tantric</span></span> tradition. We began to breathe together with long deep inhales and exhaling with a deep sigh. Joy began to massage my penis with coconut oil. Erotic energy slowly filled my pelvis and my cock with blood. With each breath and sigh energy moved up my spine. I looked into her eyes with a soft gaze of love and appreciation. I then pulled her breasts against my chest feeling energy come in my heart <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">chakra</span></span>. I then experienced the energy circulate into my heart down through my body and then out my <a href="http://www.whitelotuseast.com/LingamMassage.htm"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Lingam</span></span></a> and into her <a href="http://www.whitelotuseast.com/YoniMassage.htm"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Yoni</span></span></a>.</div><div><br /></div><div>Although there was no physical penetration I could feel a steady pleasurable flow of energy circulate between our bodies. With each breath and sigh <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">ecstatic</span> energy began to build. I was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">instinctively</span> drawn to place my lips onto her chest and breath in energy from her heart. It was like drinking in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">ecstasy</span> from a sensual fountain of love. Waves of orgasm began to build between us and my body began to undulate with pleasure. After these waves released a calm stillness came over me and she surrendered into my arms. I felt powerfully masculine and openingly receptive.</div><div><br /></div><div>We both agreed this was a good place to complete our session. I felt full, satisfied, relaxed and extremely grateful. I believe that erotic energy is sacred, healing, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">transformative</span>. What I have experienced is truly a gift and desire for others with physical disabilities to experience as well.</div>Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-57837310629458017812009-11-17T21:41:00.000-08:002009-11-17T21:42:33.069-08:00My First LoverIn 2004 I experienced a spinal cord injury while on spiritual retreat in India that left me paralyzed from the chest down. One of my first thoughts was "I will every walk again?" While this is a primary concern for anyone with a spinal cord injury, the second immediate question I had was "can I still have sex?" Initially, I had virtually no feeling or movement below my chest. Over the next few months, I began to feel more subtle sensation deep in my abdominal, pelvis, and legs. Although I had very little feeling below my chest I realized that could still feel erotic sexual energy when I fantasized about sex. This is when I first began to believe that sexual energy exists regardless of our physical state or disability and can be used to healing trauma both physical and emotional.<br /><br />For me this journey of healing and sexual expression are one and the same. My first awakening of this energy was a few months after my spinal cord injury. I was lying in bed one night in the hospital and couldn't sleep. At that time I had virtually no sensation or movement below my chest. Bored, I began to put my attention on a couple former lovers. It was not really a sexual fantasy but rather feeling the essence of their beauty. Slowly I began to experience an erotic energy that began in my pelvis and slowly grew up my spine with each deep breath. Within a few minutes this erotic energy began to fill my entire body from my head to feet and I experienced what I can only describe as full body orgasms! This seemed to last for an hour with each deep breath the energy flowed up my spine and through my entire body.<br /><br />After being in a state of pain and discomfort for several months, I now had more pleasurable sensation running through and filling my body in ecstasy. I thought to myself, "how did this happen?" It was not even a conscious willingness, but rather a spontaneous emergence of sensual energy. I knew in that moment that my sexuality was not paralyzed but in a state of rediscovery.<br /><br />Years before my injury I had studied Tantra and knew the power of breath and sound connected mindful intention. Tantra is an esoteric tradition rooted in India that teaches that we are at union with everything in the universe. Tantra is a Sanskrit (ancient Hindu language) word that means "to weave energy," specifically Yin (female) and Yang (male) energy between two lovers. This energy includes thoughts, feelings, physical and sexual actions. For many people in the West, Tantra has become associate with "spiritual sex" or "sacred sexuality", a belief the sex can help us elevate our experience to a higher state of spiritual consciousness.<br /><br />Through studying and practicing Tantra, I had experienced prolonged lovemaking, full body orgasms and often an expanded state of consciousness. Since many tantric practices are based on using the breath, sound, and mindful intention to generate and direct sexual energy, I thought this could work even with my damaged spinal cord. Although most of us experience sexual energy in our genitals and a few other erotic regions, the entire body is capable of experiencing sexual energy.<br /><br />As I have learned in my recovery, the nervous system is completely plastic meaning that it can "re-wire" itself to produce new connections. I have discovered that certain areas of my body where I have normal feeling such as my head, ears, neck, shoulders and chest can experience a great deal of pleasure. In fact, the areas of normal sensation now seen to have even more sensitivity when touched. And when touched in an erotic way these areas can become highly aroused and even orgasmic. All it requires a personal openness and a partner who is willing to explore.<div><br />About 18 months after my injury I met an amazing woman at the <a href="http://www.gabrielleroth.com/">5 Rhythms</a> Sweat Your Prayers Dance in Sausalito, CA. I have been practicing this form of moving meditation for many years before my injury. Through this practice I have learned how to open my heart and allow my body/mind/spirit to move through a range of emotions including sadness, anger, grief, happiness and joy. Within this community I began to connect intimately with many people through the dance. The physical and emotional connections I made through this practice has really fed my soul.<br /><br />One Sunday morning I had an amazing dance with a beautiful woman. When our eyes met I felt like she could see into my soul and I into hers. I felt like she could see the real me beyond my disability or wheelchair. During our dance I felt a deep connection with this woman like we had known each other in another life. When our bodies touched I felt an electric energy move through me. After the dance we talked a bit and exchanged phone numbers. A week later we talked and decided to meet for lunch at my home.<br /><br />I remember feeling both excited and nervous not sure what to expect from our encounter. When she arrived we had lunch and talked about ourselves and the connection we felt through dance. I shared my experience since my spinal cord injury and the longing I had for sensual contact. She described the same longing and through our conversation I felt a strong attraction to her and slowly our bodies came together in embrace. I felt myself melt into her as we held each other. Tears of sadness and joy seemed to flow together. Then we began to kiss and my senses became flooded with pleasure. As she stroked my head and shoulders the pleasure became more intense almost orgasmic. I couldn't believe how pleasurable kissing and the touching of my head and shoulders could be! A new world began to open for me. The possibility of sexual pleasure was a reality!<br /><br />As this relationship developed we became more comfortable with each other and began to explore physically and sexually. It was amazing how sensitive my body was to touch and how my body became sexually aroused as she became aroused. Although I have virtually no sensation below my chest, my body still responds to touch. I cannot "feel" my nipples but seemed to become aroused when she touched or kissed them. As she touched my penis it became hard and erect. As I watched her play with my cock, I could still imagine what it felt like and through my imagination I began to feel erotic sexual pleasure. Although the feeling is different than when I was able bodied, I still felt a sense of pleasure and sexual arousal move through my body. With each breath and sigh the feelings are intensified. I have learned how powerful the breath and sound are to the sexual experience. The more we breathe deeply the greater oxygen levels are in the blood and the more we can feel sexual pleasure. Sound also intensifies the experience. By sighing with an "ahhhhhhh" the sound allows the sexual energy to move from our genitals throughout the body.</div><div><br /></div><div>At one point I also noticed that my right thumb was very sensitive and with erotic touch became very pleasurable! My lover began to stroke it gently and then kiss it softly with her wet lips. I noticed that this caused me to become sexually aroused and greatly turned-on. Then she slowly took it into her mouth and began to suck. It felt like she was sucking my cock! Waves of pleasure came over me. I realized that my thumb was becoming my surrogate <a href="http://www.whitelotuseast.com/LingamMassage.htm">Lingam</a>! The more I imagined she was sucking my cock the more pleasure filled my body. </div><div><br /></div><div>This began to open a whole new possibility of love-making for us. I have always enjoyed oral sex and love to give oral pleasure to my female lovers. I love the taste, texture and fragrance of her <a href="http://www.whitelotuseast.com/YoniMassage.htm">Yoni</a> and became turned on observing and feeling my lover become aroused and then pulled over into blissful orgasm. When this happens I feel the orgasmic energy move through my tongue and mouth and flow throughout my entire body. I often have an energetic orgasm where my body vibrates with waves of pleasure and ecstasy as she is peaking into orgasm.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the same way when I enter my lover's Yoni with my surrogate Lingam (my right thumb) it feels like I am entering with my hard cock. I have great strength in the right arm and can move hard and deep or soft and slow. And the beautiful thing is that I never need to worry about going soft or ejaculating too early! I truly feel like I am in my masculine power when making love in this way. We have made love in bed, in my wheelchair, and even parked in my van while people are walking by unaware that we are in complete ecstasy!<br /><br /></div><div><br /><br /></div>Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5986190197663831243.post-41231581304818217452009-11-06T15:43:00.000-08:002009-11-06T15:51:44.147-08:00Tantra as a Healing Therapy<div>My name is Dr. Rafe Eric Biggs and I am a psychologist, somatic educator, filmmaker, and social activist. I am also a quadriplegic from a spinal cord injury that I experienced in 2004 while on spiritual retreat in India that left me paralyzed from the chest down. One of my first thoughts after my injury was "Will I every walk again?" While this is a primary concern for anyone with a spinal cord injury, the second immediate question I had was "Can I still have sex?" </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>Initially, I had virtually no feeling or movement below my chest. Over the next few months, I began to feel more subtle sensation deep in my abdominal, pelvis, and legs. Although I had very little feeling below my chest I realized that could still feel erotic sexual energy when I fantasized about sex. This is when I first began to believe that sexual energy exists regardless of our physical state or disability and can be used for healing trauma both physical and emotional.</div><div><br /></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><font class="Apple-style-span" size="medium">My Sexual Re-Awakening</font></font></div><div><br />For me this journey of healing and sexual expression are one and the same. My first awakening of this energy was a few months after my spinal cord injury. I was lying in bed one night in the hospital and couldn't sleep. At that time I had virtually no sensation or movement below my chest. Bored, I began to put my attention on a couple former lovers. It was really a sexual fantasy but rather feeling the essence of their beauty. Slowly I began to experience an erotic energy that began in my pelvis and slowly grew up my spine with each deep breath. Within a few minutes this erotic energy began to fill my entire body from my head to feet and I experienced what I can only describe as full body orgasms! This seemed to last for an hour with each deep breath the energy flowed up my spine and through my entire body.<br /><br />After being in a state of pain and discomfort for several months, I now had more pleasurable sensation running through and filling my body in ecstasy. I thought to myself, "how did this happen?" It was not even a conscious willingness, but rather a spontaneous emergence of sensual energy. I knew in that moment that my sexuality was not paralyzed but in a state of rediscovery.<br /><div><br /></div><div>Years before my injury I had studied <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tantra">Tantra</a> and knew the power of breath and sound connected with mindful intention. Tantra is an esoteric tradition rooted in India that teaches that we are at union with everything in the universe. For many people in the West, Tantra has become associated with "spiritual sex" or "sacred sexuality"; a belief the sex can help us elevate our experience to a higher state of spiritual consciousness.</div><div><br /></div><div>Through studying and practicing Tantra, I have experienced prolonged lovemaking, full body orgasms and often an expanded state of consciousness. Since many <font class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">tantric</font> practices are based on using the breath, sound, and mindful intention to generate and direct sexual energy, I thought this could work even with my damaged spinal cord. Although most of us experience sexual energy in our genitals and a few other erotic regions, the entire body is capable of experiencing sexual energy. </div><div><br /></div><div>As I have learned since my injury, the nervous system is completely plastic meaning that it can "re-wire" itself to produce new connections. I have discovered that certain areas of my body where I have normal feeling such as my head, ears, shoulders, neck and chest can experience a great deal of pleasure. And when touched in a sensual way these areas can become highly aroused and even orgasmic. All it requires a personal openness and a partner who is willing to explore.</div><div><br /></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><font class="Apple-style-span" size="medium">When the Student is Ready the Teacher Appears</font></font></div><div><br /></div><div>I have been exploring Tantra as a healing modality for a month now with my teacher <a href="http://www.infiniteessence.com/index.html">Ariel Anastasia White</a>. We are exploring how Tantra can help me rediscover my sexuality and potentially heal my spinal cord injury. I met Ariel at a local Tantra gather in San Diego in June. She was a guest teacher introducing a new film her and her partner had just completed on Tantra. I immediately felt drawn to her on both a physical as well energetic level. Her beauty seemed to emanate from within. I began talking with her about my injury and my intention to explore Tantra as a path for sexual pleasure as well as a healing modality.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today we had our fourth session together. We began by getting comfortable on my bed and breathing deeply to relax my body and mind. Ariel gazed deeply into my eyes as she does at the beginning of every session. I felt an energetic wall come between us although I deeply desired to meet her level of intimacy and connection. My body felt tight and uncomfortable. I had discomfort in my hips, pelvis, and back, not an uncommon feeling for most of my waking existence. Emotionally, I felt vulnerable and sad. Tears began to slowly emerge as I released the tension I experienced in my heart.</div><div><br /></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><font class="Apple-style-span" size="medium">Opening the Body </font></font></div><div><br /></div><div>Ariel asked me close my eyes and focus my attention on my root chakra located by the base of my spine and breathe deeply allowing it to open. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra">Chakra</a> is a Sanskrit term meaning <font class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">wheel</font> or <font class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">circle</font> and refers to a spinning sphere of bioenergetic activity. Chakras are commonly described as energy centers in the spine located at major branchings of the human nervous system, beginning at the base of the spinal column and moving upward to the top of the skull. She held my hand and gently stroked my arm and shoulder. With her physical contact and my breathing my body began to let go. She instructed me to move my attention to my second chakra located just below my belly, the creative sexual center. Again I breathed deeply opening this area. More tears streamed down my face. I felt deep sadness and loss of my sexuality since my spinal cord injury. After several moments I continued to move my attention to my third chakra located by my navel, my power center. I then continued this process to my fourth chakra located by my heart, the feeling center. I could feel the warmth and gentle touch of her hand on my chest. More tears emerged as I felt my chest open and my back arch. It felt so good to open this part of my body. When I opened my eyes, I noticed they had softened and no longer was there any barrier between us. I could feel love flowing from her eyes into my heart. I was safe. We continued this process through the fifth chakra located by my throat, the communication center. This area felt tight and constricted. I inhaled and then sighed on my exhale. My throat began to open and relax. Next we moved to the sixth chakra located between my eyebrows. This chakra is often referred to as "the third eye", the vision center. Finally, we complete this process at the seventh chakra located at the top of my head, my connection to higher consciousness and the Divine.</div><div><br /></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" size="medium"><font class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);">Orgasmic Energy</font></font></div><div><br /></div><div>Now my body had relaxed substantially and my mind was present with hers. I had dropped my defenses and settled into an open relaxed state. We then moved to an exercise where Ariel laid behind me on the bed with the head elevated. My back pressed softly against her breasts and I breathed deeply as she followed my same breath. My legs were crossed into a half lotus position, hers gentled wrapped around mine with the soles of her feet together. </div><div><br /></div><div>We began to inhale together followed with a sigh-like sound as we exhaled. As she began to tone in a song-like manner, I followed her breath with my own feeling a vibration move down my spine opening my body. I then began to feel a pleasurable sensation move through my spine into my loins. As she began to rock her pelvis against my sacrum, I felt a warm erotic sensation enter my spine and move up with each inhale. With each exhale the pleasurable feeling moved down to my pelvis and producing an orgasmic sensation.</div><div><br /></div><div>My chest opened and my back arched as I felt a strong wave of energy move through my body. This is often referred to as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini">kundalini</a>. This energy lies dormant at the base of the spine until it is activated, as by the practice of tantric yoga, and channeled upward through the chakras producing a state of heightened consciousness and even ecstasy. Ariel then slowed her pelvic movements and breath as we came to stillness resting in each other's arms. I felt relaxed and energized. I opened my eyes and noticed vivid colors and sharpness in my vision. I stretched forward toward my legs as my forehead rested on my crossed ankles. Deep relaxation and pleasure moved through my body. My legs tingled with energy all the way to my feet. I arched back to a seated position and realized that I could sit with my spine tall and no use of my hands to support my balance. I looked into the mirror and saw an amazing sight. I was sitting on my own very tall with my chest open! Just the day before I was trying to sit the same way in therapy and I struggled with back rounded. This was extraordinary!</div><div><br /></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204);"><font class="Apple-style-span" size="medium">Yam Yum</font></font></div><div><br /></div><div>Next we moved into a new and delicious position called <font class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Yab</font> Yum. I am still seated with my spine tall and legs crossed as Ariel sat on my lap facing me with her legs wrapped around my back. With my eyes closed, we began to breathe again together and exhale with a sigh-like sound. After several breaths I slowly opened my eyes and looked softly into hers. I gazed deeply into her eyes feeling myself open, present, and connected to her somatic self. After several rounds of breathing together she began to rock her hips against mine and I began to feel an erotic sensation move into my pelvis and up my spine. I brought my attention to my forehead and felt a sense of ecstasy move up through my body and out this sixth energy center.</div><div><br /></div><div>Although we are fully clothed I feel like we are making love as ecstasy continues to flow and circulate through my body and into hers. I now inhale this energy into my third eye down through my spine and exhale it out my pelvis into her hips. I continue this breath/sigh pattern and ecstasy builds in my body. I look into her eyes and feel love as tears begin to flow. I feel powerful as a man and lover. I feel so grateful for this experience! Our breathing and movement slow down as our forehead come together in a "<font class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">tantric</font> kiss." I feel so much pleasure throughout my body and then I notice...no pain! </div><div><br /></div><div>We come to stillness as we hold each other in our arms. My head is gentling resting against her shoulder and her breast against my chest. I feel so much love and ecstasy. I open my eyes and look into hers and realize how "high" I feel. I share this with her and she laughs! "Tantra can produce amazing altered states with no drugs necessary," she says. I realize how thirsty I am so she dismounts me and gets me a drink of water. It tastes delicious! I hear shamanic drumming music playing in the background. I look out the window and notice how beautiful the world looks. I then tell Ariel that she looks beautiful. Time does not exist. I feel full and satisfied. My heart is open. I feel so connected with everything. I now understand the spiritual aspect of Tantra. I feel like I have communed with the Divine.</div><div><br /></div><div>We agree to end our session and I decide to sit by myself and meditate and integrate this experience. The song "I am Blessed" by Ben Harper begins to play and it so perfectly captures the moment. Ariel gives me a long sweet hug goodbye as she leaves. My body feels whole and complete. I look over at myself in the mirror and smile as I see a beautiful powerful man looking back at me. This has been a truly extraordinary experience that has the potential for healing and transformation on many levels, physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. This experience has ended but the adventure continues...</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div></div></div>Rafehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13328501190294513842noreply@blogger.com1